Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
