How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
