mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
