I think I won the penis lottery.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
