well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
