My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
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