I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
