dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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