2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
