I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
