Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
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