So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
