Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
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You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
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Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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