Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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