I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
