yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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