Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
