At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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