you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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