so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
