you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
