I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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