I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
