The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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