I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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