This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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