Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
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I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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