Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Randomize
