No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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