Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
