I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
