Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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