got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize