College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
