I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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