I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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