Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
