did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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