i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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