Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I think I just sharted jello shots
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
