I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
