Just took my morning after pill in the library
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Randomize
