we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
