Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
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