just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
