I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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