It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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