About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
