are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
