I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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