Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
That accounts for only three of the penises
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
