We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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