I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
