he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
