Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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