If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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