Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
